What to Do When Leadership Feedback Leaves You Questioning Yourself

Leadership feedback has the power to shape your confidence, influence your career progression and affect how willing you are to put yourself forward for your next opportunity. Yet not all leadership feedback is always helpful.

You'll understand what I mean if you've ever been told you're "too bossy", "too direct" or that you need to "soften your communication", you've probably been left wondering what you were actually supposed to do about that.

Labels like these can feel deeply personal, but they rarely provide the clarity needed to improve your leadership communication.

For many women leaders, this type of feedback is all too familiar. Instead of receiving specific observations about behaviours or outcomes, they are often given broad personality-based descriptions that leave them questioning themselves rather than developing their leadership.

The good news is that vague feedback doesn't have to undermine your confidence. By learning how to explore it with curiosity rather than immediately accepting it as fact, you can decide what is genuinely useful and confidently disregard what isn't.

Why Leadership Feedback Leaves you Questioning Yourself

One of the greatest privileges of coaching women leaders is seeing what happens behind the scenes after they receive challenging feedback.

Outwardly, they continue to appear calm, capable and professional. Internally, however, many replay conversations for days or even weeks, questioning whether they've damaged relationships, harmed their reputation or spoken up too strongly.

One client recently shared that she had spent three weeks thinking about a single comment from her manager "You've been coming across as too bossy."

What made this particularly confusing for her was that she had deliberately been working on becoming more decisive and communicating with greater confidence. Instead of feeling encouraged, she felt as though every step forward had been criticised. This experience is more common than many you might realise.

The Difference Between Behaviour and Interpretation

One of the biggest misconceptions about leadership feedback is the belief that all feedback is factual. Unfortunately it isn't.

Some people give feedback based on observable behaviour, while other feedback reflects someone's interpretation of that behaviour and how they'd describe it.

For example:

• "You interrupted me three times during the meeting" is an observable behaviour.

• "You're too bossy" is an interpretation.

  
  

The distinction matters because behaviours can be explored, discussed and improved. Labels cannot.

Back in 2021, Francesca Gino wrote an article on Harvard Business View about "How Women can learn from even Biased Feedback" She quoted:

"Women are less likely to receive specific feedback tied to work outcomes, while men are more likely to get the advice they need to move to the next level of seniority in their organization. When giving feedback to women, managers tend to focus more on the women’s personalities and attitudes. Contrarily, they focus more on the behaviors and accomplishments of men."

With women being more likely than men to receive personality-based feedback, that makes the feedback feel more personal and significantly harder to act upon.

Before accepting any label as truth, it's worth asking yourself whether you've actually been given evidence or simply someone else's opinion. Here are 3 points to remember when you find yourself in this situation:

1. Seek First to Understand

One of the most valuable principles to apply when receiving leadership feedback is simple: Seek first to understand - Habit 5 from the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Franklin Covey)

It's natural to begin editing yourself immediately after hearing difficult feedback. Many women start wondering whether they should contribute less in meetings, speak more cautiously or stop challenging ideas altogether.

The problem is that these reactions happen before they've fully understood what the feedback actually means.

Instead of assuming the label is accurate, pause and ask yourself:

• What exactly does this person mean?

• Which behaviour are they referring to?

• What happened that led them to this conclusion?

  
  

Instead of rushing to defend yourself, seek to understand the behaviour behind the opinion before deciding whether any change is needed.

Being decisive isn't the same as being bossy.

Having clear opinions doesn't automatically mean you're too direct.

Leading confidently isn't the same as being "too much".

Without understanding the behaviour first, you risk diluting strengths you've worked hard to develop.

2. Ask for Specific Examples

Perhaps the most practical way to improve the quality of leadership feedback is to ask for examples.

If someone tells you that you're too bossy, consider responding with questions such as:

• "Can you help me understand what I said or did that came across that way?"

• "Could you give me an example of a recent situation?"

Specific examples transform opinions into useful information.

Perhaps you interrupted colleagues during a discussion.

Perhaps you moved a meeting on before everyone had contributed.

Perhaps your emails sounded abrupt because written communication lacks tone.

Once behaviours are identified, you can decide whether they're aligned with the leader you want to become.

If no examples can be provided, that may tell you just as much about the quality of the feedback itself.

3. Ask What Success Looks Like

The final step is to move the conversation from criticism to coaching. Rather than asking how to be "less direct", ask:

"What would you like to see me do differently next time?"

This shifts the conversation towards practical guidance which you can act upon. Instead of hearing vague advice, you may receive suggestions such as:

• Ask one or two questions before sharing your recommendation.

• Invite wider discussion before making a final decision.

• Explain the thinking behind your decision so others understand your reasoning.

These are behaviours you can practise and evaluate and they provide a clear path for growth instead of leaving you trying to interpret an unhelpful label.

Curiosity Creates Better Leadership

One coaching client had repeatedly been passed over for promotion because she'd been told she lacked executive presence and was too direct. Initially, she assumed this meant that she needed to become less assertive.

However, when we explored the feedback together, it became clear that nobody had ever explained what those labels actually meant.

Once she returned to ask for examples and clarification, the conversation became far more productive. She identified specific behaviours she wanted to refine, implemented those changes intentionally and later secured the promotion she'd been working towards.

She didn't try to become someone she wasn't. She simply became more curious before accepting someone else's interpretation of her communication style.

Leadership Feedback Should Build Confidence Not Destroy It

The next time you receive feedback that you're too bossy, too direct or need more executive presence, resist the temptation to immediately change who you are. Instead:

• Ask what the feedback actually means.

• Request specific examples.

• Explore the behaviours behind the label.

• Ask what success would look like next time.

Not every piece of leadership feedback deserves to be added to your PDP. Focus on understanding the feedback, decide whether it aligns with the leader you want to become and only make the effort to intentionally improve when they genuinely add value. Progress will always be more powerful than perfection.

Ready to Gain Clarity on Your Leadership Feedback?

If you've recently received leadership feedback that's left you feeling confused, frustrated or questioning your confidence, you don't have to work through it on your own.

A discovery call provides the opportunity to explore the feedback objectively, separate useful observations from subjective opinions and identify practical steps that strengthen your leadership communication without diminishing your authentic leadership style.

If you'd like support interpreting your feedback and building greater confidence as a leader, book a discovery call today. Together, we can turn uncertainty into clarity and help you lead with greater confidence and purpose.

Learn more

If you would like to learn more about how to improve your leadership skills then why not listen to our podcast Leadership Communication in Action

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/leadership-communication-in-action-women-leaders-speaking/id1757118454

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3BLOAklYUR00Wppflwybop?si=d78371130f784ce4